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E3 wouldn’t be E3 without an excessively overpowered hype train, marketing jargon to make you choke and the occasional screw up to make anyone spit their drink out. Amidst all this chaos, some games are actually shown. Sometimes you even get to see actual gameplay.

All the conferences will be included at the end of the article, although if you just want to see the highs and lows then scroll on down. Let’s begin.

What do you get when you cross Final Fantasy X with Devil May Cry? A young, blond white male with a sword longer than he is and a penchant for fighting that apparently is only properly channelled while listening to music through a set of bright red headphones that would make Dr. Dre proud.

Scalebound’s unnamed character already has the potential to annoy as much as Tidus or Neku (from The World Ends With You) and we haven’t seen any gameplay yet. Mission accomplished, I suppose. Runner up for this one goes to Dead Island 2, although it gets extra credit for having its vain, white, blond male come down with an awful case of muscle degradation. Which happens when you catch a case of the zombie.

Oddest appearance at E3: Homefront: The Revolution

It was unanimous: the original Homefront was an abomination. After hyping the occupation of the United States by North Korea and the contributing work of John Milius, director for Red Dawn, in the single player, it was revealed that the campaign barely lasted three hours. Former developers questioned the input of Milus and the multiplayer turned out to be nothing more than a rebadged version of Battlefield.

So the sheer existence of The Revolution is just bizarre. The first game wasn’t a commercial flop, selling around 2.6 million units, but it didn’t set the scene for a franchise. Luckily, The Revolution’s gameplay looks streets ahead of the original, but gamers should know enough about E3 by now to be properly cynical.

Similarly, but on a much more welcome front, the reappearance of Grim Fandango during the Sony press conference was something that came completely out of the blue. It’s nice to see one of the greatest point and click adventures of all time get a modern coat of paint which will definitely benefit from a more modern control system.

That said, you have to be concerned for Sony when the biggest cheer of the conference goes to a neo noir tale that’s a decade and a half old. Perhaps the newer IPs simply don’t have the magic of yesteryear. And if the most rapturous applause was given to an old LucasArts game, imagine the reception Sony would get if it announced a remake of Final Fantasy VII.

Biggest embarrassment of E3: Ubisoft developers

I shouldn’t really take enjoyment from watching people get slaughtered on social media, but it’s hard not to enjoy the public massacre that occurs when developers come out with statements that are comprehensively offensive.

By now most people will be aware that Assassin’s Creed: Unity and Far Cry 4 are coming out later this year. And, if you’ve been paying attention, you’ll notice that both games have the potential for co op. They don’t, however, have playable female characters. So, naturally, many asked: why so many men, Ubisoft?

The explanations, coming from a publishing group that has nine studios working on Unity alone, was less than impressive. “It’s double the animations, it’s double the voices, all that stuff and double the visual assets. especially because we have customizable assassins. It was really a lot of extra production work,” Ubisoft creative director Alex Amancio told Polygon. “It’s not like we could cut our main character, so the only logical option, the only option we had, was to cut the female avatar.”

Far Cry 4 “almost” had female characters too. “It was purely a workload issue because we don’t have a female reading for the character, we don’t have all the animations. It was this weird issue where you could have a female model that walked and talked and jumped like a dude,” director Alex Hutchinson said.

This is, let’s not forget, coming from a company that just spent around US$70 million developing Watch_Dogs. They have a separate editorial team that oversees every game Ubisoft makes. Part of that group consists of 19 researchers and designers studying player habits.

Astonishingly, the idea of playable female characters, in a game that has multiple playable roles, still didn’t enter the conversation until it was too late. This is from a developer that doesn’t has publicly said “it won’t even start” on a game unless it can be built into a franchise.

Honestly: how can this still be happening in 2014? I’d award a runner up, but it’d just go to Ubisoft anyway, so let’s move on.

Most annoying trend of E3: Fake banter

It’s better than the tumour causing buzzwords that infected last year, but it’s still about as comfortable as a compound headache. More and more games are focusing on team based multiplayer these days, particularly those coming out of Ubisoft (with Rainbow Six: Siege, The Crew, The Division) and as a result, we can only expect this trend towards scripted, half realistic, half vomit inducing chatter to become even more prevalent.

Fortunately, this horrendous behaviour didn’t infect every conference. Then again, that’s probably because most E3 trailers don’t show actual gameplay, let alone unbroken sequences, in the first place.

The runner up for this goes to the number of severed heads to playable female characters, which, as you can probably guess by virtue of me mentioning it in the first place, disturbingly favours the former. But even though this is a more problematic issue for marketing, mass market development and the image for gaming as a whole, it’s also something that tends to improve the more people rudely point it out. So, hopefully, next year this won’t be a thing.

Strangest comment(s) of E3: Nintendo

As relayed by a Kotaku reporter: “There’s not gonna be online play, but there will be multiplayer, in which you will be online.”

It’s not the only odd remark the developer dropped during E3, with this runner up line one of many gems throughout its Direct conference. “His tongue is the most powerful weapon. Well, it may be weird calling it a weapon,” as some old Japanese developers wave stuffed toys of Yoshi around.

Biggest surprise of E3: Rainbow Six: Siege

I don’t remember hearing a word about Rainbow Six before E3, but I heard plenty about it afterwards. Three different hardcore Counter Strike friends I know all made a point of effectively internet screaming to me via an instant message, frothing at the mouth for the blend of first person tactics, teamwork and mechanics that, well, appeals to people who like Counter Strike.

That mix of multiple spawn locations, reviving teammates, destructible environments that are actually useful in a split second instead of just being so plainly obvious that everyone avoids them, solid shooting mechanics and clear, crisp graphics it’s everything hardcore FPS fans want.

The runner up for this goes to the colourful Splatoon, which is also a shooter but, sadly, only for the Wii U. Even so, it’s hard not to get taken up by the concept: two teams vying for victory by plastering the map in paintball guns, with the winner determined by the more dominant colour.
beats by dre headphone cord ups Technology and GamesAustralian Broadcasting Corporation